When was the last time you tested yourself to the point of physical exhaustion? When was the last time you truly went for the gold? When was the last time you were EXTREME?

For Dynamics Online, a small marketing agency in Beachwood, Ohio, that’s an easy answer: two weeks ago, at the 2013 2nd Annual Beachwood Chamber Fitness Challenge.

They rode in gloriously in their gallant foreign-made cars, swaggering through the automatic doors in slow-mo, gym bags in one hand, pencil holders in the other. They were more intimidating than the A-Team, the Avengers and the Expendables combined. And yet they were known by a different name. A name unheard of before the fitness challenge, and likely unheard of since then. Regardless. The echoes of their triumph will resound through the ages, known to all young and old upon entering the confines of the Mandel Jewish Community Center.

They were: Ctrl. Alt. Defeat! Cue the montage…

Bruce Newburger – President
Dave Cintron – Art Director
Kirk Hiner – E-Commerce Solutions Manager
Keith Mayer – Director of Search Engine Marketing
Susan Ringel – Operations Manager
Anthony Mahramus – Internet Marketing Strategist
Jeff Hirz – Social Media and Content Marketing Manager

Three trials they faced. Three trials they [nearly] bested. This is their story.

Basketball

The first trial they faced was on the basketball court. It’s a funny thing, the incidental discovery of an under-the-radar pro basketball player on your marketing staff. Too bad this doesn’t describe their experience at all – they lost 15-6 to a law firm. No, but really: if you’ve never seen Search Engine Marketing Director Keith Mayer pull a reverse layup against a guy who’s twice his size, then you haven’t lived. Keith’s performance was the epitome of epic – he scored all six of their points on his own. Literally. I don’t think Anthony or Jeff, his teammates who hadn’t touched a basketball in 10 years, had so much as an assist all game. Well, maybe one. But that’s it.

If that team had been made up of two more Keiths, that basketball championship trophy would be occupying an important piece of real estate in the Dynamics offices. But alas, their glory was meant to be found elsewhere.

Obstacle Course

Because their motor skills weren’t quite up to par, the three would-be basketball extraordinaires, exhausted and worn down by their first intense physical activity since high school, joined the rest of their team over at the obstacle course, where, little did they know, they would fare much better. Three mind-bending, stomach-twisting, fear-inducing obstacles now lay in their path between triumph and disaster.

Four were chosen to complete the course, but only three would return.

Just kidding. Everyone lived. After one minute and 56 seconds, Dynamics Online established themselves as the unassailable second-place finishers in the obstacle course, behind first-place by a mere six seconds.

Balanced on a razor-thin line between shame and glory, they moved onto their next challenge.

Running a Mile

After a quick trip upstairs to the track and a motivational, Oscar-worthy pep talk from their fearless leader Bruce, Ctrl. Alt. Defeat. was ready to take on the final event: the one-mile run.

Forty hours a week for years on end of sitting at desks had honed their calves and quadriceps to the point of physical perfection, so when it came time to put their training to the test, well, it’s really quite simple:

They came. They ran. They conquered.

And just like that, Dynamics Online leaped ahead of the competition and took first place in the 2013 Beachwood Chamber 2nd Annual Fitness Challenge’s small business category. Beaming with a quiet pride only seen on the faces of suburban heroes, Ctrl. Alt. Defeat. quietly walked (i.e. limped) out of the Mandel Jewish Community Center.

Where Are They Now?

Today, still wanted by the Beachwood Chamber of Commerce, they survive as online marketers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire: Ctrl. Alt. Defeat. (Dynamics Online)!

 

Jeff Hirz is the Social Media and Content Marketing Manager at Dynamics Online. And if he was a reporter he would have been fired already. I mean, this happened more than two weeks ago. So why is he writing about it now? Perhaps it’s because his full-body soreness only recently receded enough where he can finally function like a normal human being . . . but he’ll never play basketball again. You can reach him by calling (216) 292-4410.